1. If you come visit me in Baltimore, don't get drunk and eat half a jar of my martini olives. Even if you're my dad. SHITHEAD!
2. If you're my cellphone battery, don't be defective and refuse to hold a charge.
3. If you're my wallet, don't misplace yourself in a pocket I already checked.

In fact, this is the law of lost wallets. I have seen it happen to Stephanie, and now it happened to me. The LAW OF LOST WALLETS IS AS FOLLOWS:

I. The Law of Lost Wallets shall take effect whenever:
a. The owner of the wallet is already stressed
b. The wallet in question was carried within the past 24 hours
c. The wallet has NOT been used within the last hour
d. No other party is responsible for the loss of the wallet, i.e. theft.
e. The owner of the wallet wears clothes, at least while carrying the wallet
f. The owner of the waller is no longer wearing the clothes worn while using the wallet

II. The Law of Lost Wallets dictactes that:
a. A wallet, once placed in the pocket of a garment, cannot actually move of its own accord, to another location
b. Nevertheless, the wallet will not be in that pocket when it is later searched, because:
c. Although not capable of movement, wallets are cappable of temporary insubstantiation
d. All dematerialized wallets must return to their last physical location in the material world
e. This location is determined by proximity to matter, i.e. the fabric of a pocket
f. The return must take place within a certain time frame (unknown at this time)


III. The Law of Lost Wallets means that:

Whenever a person puts a wallet in the pocket of a garment, and then removes that garmet, the wallet is temporarily freed of its obligations in the material world. When you take off your coat, or pants, to go to bed, without removing the wallet from your pocket, the wallet gets to spend a fun night in an alternate dimension full of wallet nightclubs and brothels...hey...can the Japanese tell the difference between a brothel and a brother? Hmm. Anyway, the wallet generally returns to the pocket by morning and its absence is not detected. Sometimes, however, a wallet will take a longer vacation. It will return periodically, check in, etc. However, during this time, the owner of the wallet may become concerned for its whereabouts, and search for the wallet. Should he or she check the pocket the wallet was originally in (a reasonable step), and find the wallet missing, he or she will, quite reasonably, search elsewhere for it. Herein lies the mistake: the owner is searching elsewhere in the PHYSICAL world, which is absurd because wallets cannot walk around on their own. The wallet, of course, is in an alternate universe. Given time (usually enough time for the distraught owner to tear their new, barely-unpacked apartment apart), the wallet will return. Eventually, the owner will forget whether he or she actually checked that pocket in their tan Utilikilt they were wearing yesterday, and find the wallet has returned!

In conclusion:

If you ever lose your wallet, search every pocket of every garment you were wearing the last time you had your wallet. Very often you will find it, but if not, do not dispair. You may search elsewhere, if it eases your mind, but you will generally not find your wallet this way. (You might, of course, if you actually set your wallet down somewhere). When, as it usually does, your search proves fruitless, RETURN TO THE GARMENTS. The wallet may have returned. In fact, it may save some time and stress to make only a token search elsewhere, to lure the wallet out of hiding, before searching the garment again.

Also, my wallet's falling apart and I need a new one.

Love,

Jeriah & Wally